Thursday, May 6, 2010

Fear of Prosperity

I recently attended BYU Women's Conference. It was my first time. I was indeed privileged to be in company with some extraordinary souls. Something I learned from this conference is not to allow your emotions to be so strong that you think they are the Spirit or to overwhelm your mind so you can't hear the spirit. I know that when I learn something new spiritually I have a tendency to look back in my life and see where I may have done this. I think it's my way of having a comparison. I was doing this recently and my findings were many. However, one in particular was devastating. I remembered kneeling in our basement on my way to go to work at 4 am. I was begging God once again not to take our home. I give my husband work. I will say that soon after my prayers changed to something more along the lines of let Thy will be done Lord. And it was we lost our home along with everything else. Nevertheless it was a conversation with my husband when we did the final walk through before closing on that house that haunts me. He questioned our purchase and I insisted it was ok and that I had prayed. I had prayed however, I didn't hear the Spirit. He had. And it was my emotions that contributed to the catastrophe that is now our life. I often consider that a few short years from now we may not live in an apartment. We may have furniture and d├ęcor in that new home. Nevertheless, I am afraid. I have emotionally detached myself from possession so completely I have a fear of acquiring anything else. Often times I do not want to purchase a home or even rent one. Why would I? Someone will simply take it away as they have before. It's foolish I know. But feelings are not logic. Emotion is not intelligence. And this is simply how I feel.

2 comments:

  1. Oh Bri - this post broke my heart. I live my life in complete fear... That God is going to choose to take another child from me. That we're going to lose everything that we have left. That someone is going to get sick and I can't afford to care for them. It's getting to be so bad that I took down all of the photos from before we lost so much because I hate that girl who lives in complete oblivion of all of the sadness that is coming. I continually beat myself up thinking that if I had more faith, I wouldn't be worried about these things... It's so comforting to know that I'm not the only one who is burdened with these types of thoughts. Why is everything so difficult????

    This was a very heartfelt post my dear. You are so special. xoxoxo

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  2. The richness of your spirit spreads wealth to all who know you, and that can never be taken away. It is yours uniquely to give away, but it cannot be taken. You have a gift for making others see the possibilities, and set an example for making the best of things. Only you don't make lemonade from lemons, you make limeade. We don't know how, but you do it. God allowed everything to be taken from Job, but gave him back more than he took. It is richness of soul that counts. I think you are amazing.

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